the list of now

• My brother Dan was in town. I haven’t seen him in a long time since he lives on the other side of the country. It was great.
• For this occasion, a bunch of people came over my house to hang out.
• I made my popular spinach artichoke dip (came out well) and tried to make cheesy stuffed mushrooms (not so much).
• we made and drank Dark and Stormies
• we played Apples to Apples, which I have never done and greatly enjoy.
• I watched Flight 666 a concert tour documentary about Iron Maiden. It was excellent.
• We rented Kevin Smith’s “Red State” (available as a pre-theatrical release Video on Demand). It was also excellent. I hope to write and post a review later.
• We made the mistake of watching the end of the GOP debate this week and my heart basically broke into a million pieces when the crowd cheered the question that stated the absurdly large number of people that have been executed under Rick Perry’s time as Governor. Flashbacks to Bush’s execution stats and then the 8 long years of his presidency. The approaching election scares me. A lot.
• And also… last weekend I threw my back out. It was a flare-up of a lower back injury from a decade ago that still bothers me from time to time. It’s not a crisis, but it’s been hurting and ruining my life for 4 consecutive days now, which royally sucks
• Because of this, I haven’t worked on any of the things I’m wanting to be working on.  It hurts to sit and to bend. So that pretty much knocks out any writing projects and art projects that I would like to be doing.
• Therefore, I’ve gotten incredibly whiny and emo and frustrated with my body and it’s limitations.
• Hoping to be in a better place soon. And renewing my commitment to doing yoga everyday again, in hopes of preventing this sort of thing from happening often.

leave your list in the comments!

jobs I’ve had + other sources of income:
- babysitter
- cvs cashier
- deli sandwichmaker/stocker/cashier
- house cleaner
- teacher’s assistant
- daycare assistant
- afterschool tutor, middleschool
- reading tutor, pre-k + k
- full-time nanny
- production assistant/assistant to playwrights
- scenic assistant + painter
- follow-spot operator
- barista
- office assistant for an accountant
- executive assistant (twice)
- marking communications coordinator
- circulation assistant at a newspaper
- housepainter (interior)
- call center associate
- I.T. and office coordinator
- artist
- writer

what I hope will be the primary sources of income in the future:
- writing books
- writing articles, essays, poems, and reviews
- travel and writing about it
- painting large scale works
- making smaller art pieces, cards, prints, illustration and crafts

what I hope to have the opportunity to train/learn in the future, which might lead to jobs/income
- tattoo artistry
- massage therapy
- some kind of grant, fellowship, sabbatical, paid scholarship opportunity

what I hope to do/learn, regardless of ever getting paid:
- fix my car myself
- become an herbalist
- organic farming/permaculture
- build computers
- web languages + programming
- hacking
- be multilingual
- carpentry skills
- start a collective gallery space or in some way provide a forum for other artists
- cook and bake really really well
- street art
- welding
- jewelry making
- sailing + boat maintance

other important things that I must devote time to:
- reading (always)
- attempting to learn + understand history, geography and politics on a global scale
- activism
- volunteering

I don’t want a “career”.

I don’t know what that means anymore.

I don’t care to find out.

what are your lists? what do you do + want to do?

She took me aside and gave me a sad, patronizing look before saying “No offense but, I just thought you should know that only sluts wear blue nailpolish.”

I was 13.

Everything about that statement was a vicious lie, including the mythos of what a slut was, who was one and why.  In this case, I noticed that the other girls (besides me) wearing blue nailpolish were the rough girls, the ones who smoked in the bathroom, the goth girls, the poorer girls from the trailer park part of town. The girl letting me in on the secret, giving me condescending, back-door “friendly” advice was a prissy, preppy girl who lived in a brand new development. I learned pretty quickly that this wasn’t about nailpolish.

I still wear blue nailpolish and I think about that every time.  That was an easy-to-spot line of bullshit.

Some other lies were not so simple to uncover:

• these years will be the happiest of your life
• you need to apply to some safety schools
• if you don’t go to graduation or your senior prom you will regret it for the rest of your life
• marijuana is a gateway drug
• you aren’t depressed, you are just a teenager
• learning a trade is for people who can’t get into college
• no one will ever want you/love you if you look like that
• there are “good kids” and “bad kids”
• your transcript will matter forever
• you need to make decisions about what you want to major in when you are 18 – you just should KNOW what you want (when it’s about career)
• you are too young to possibly know what you want, what you are, what you like, what love is… see also: you are just experimenting, it’s a phase  (when it’s about relationships and sexuality)
• you are too sensitive
• you are too angry
• only other girls understand
• other girls are your competition
• someday you will get along with your parents
• anything following or preceding “when I was your age …” that was meant to compare and put down some aspect of things I did, said, cared about, choose or loved.
• god is real.

- the one about the mistakes and stupid things I did in College

- the one about the things I started and never finished

- the one about work ethics and jobs

- the one about how my body is broken

- the one that doesn’t want me to feel anything but guilt

- the one about my parents

- the one about second-guessing everything I do or say

- the one that hates everyone